Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Friggin Car Won't Start

I decided to go to Office Max to buy shipping supplies, CD's to back up my itunes library, and something fun. I really want a new computer with a 15.4 inch screen but it's not a good time to make such a purchase. My laptop is fine but the screen is dirty and I can't get the damn thing clean. My obsessive stuff comes out at stuff like this. I want a shiny new screen every day. It's actually how I'd prefer my life to be but obviously that's not happening. Anyway, it always takes me awhile to gear myself up-like checking in with myself to see how dizzy I am and whether or not I think I'll pass out in the store. I already did that in a restaurant in San Francisco in August and just don't feel like repeating it or else they might start banning me from public places. After making sure I'm not too dizzy, light headed, or fatigued I have to gather my things, make a list, etc. All this takes energy so by the time I finish I need to check in with myself again about my dizziness, fatigue, etc...Things just aren't as simple as they used to be when I could make a quick decision and fly out the door. So I pass all my internal checks and tests and get in the car but it won't start. The engine won't turn over. I guess the battery is dead. I imagine that's how my cells sound.

My new earphones arrived today. I love them. I don't know what model they are but they're made by Denon.

I've developed thrush caused by the antibiotics. I've had it for 2 days now. It's not something to be left untreated and I've been trying not to freak out about it and have been doing a good job. I finally heard back from my doctor who will call in a prescription for Nystatin. He also wants me to stay at 200mg on the Minocycline rather than go up to 300mg.

There's a great song called Bloody Mother F****** A******* by Martha Wainwright. Coincidentally it was the song that was playing as I got in the car right after I met with the rheumatologist who diagnosed me. The lyrics were appropriate at the time and whenever the song comes on I thoroughly enjoy it:

And you have no idea
No idea how it feels to be on your own
In your own home with the fucking phone
And the mother of gloom
In your bedroom
Standing over your head
With her hand in your head
With her hand in your head

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are
For you, whoever you are

That's how I feel about this illness and that's how I talk to it sometimes "You Bloody MotherF****** A******.

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