Anxiety day today. I received an email from someone who specializes in this stuff urging me to get follow up diagnostic testing for MS. The difficulty swallowing is one of the signs of MS along with a few other symptoms I have. So I spent a few hours of the day freaking out. Stress is something that I can't do anymore. It taxes my body.
I finally had to do some relaxation excersises which helped. I also downloaded some music from itunes.
This is a strange journey. I was bemoaning the fact that I'm not able to live life to the fullest right now. I realized my idea of what living life to the fullest is needs to change. I am living life to the fullest right now. It doesn't matter that I can't work or that I can't go for a hike or walk to the beach or be social. What matters is how I approach each day. For me living life to the fullest means being present as much as possible. Rather than worrying about what will happen or might happen or might not happen for that matter, what matters is what IS happening right now. It's all we have really.
I'm learning what matters too are the little things-like listening to a beautiful song, or gazing at the rich colors of a flower, or hearing a baby's laugh, or having a stranger hand me a dollar bill. It's the little things that make it possible to bear the next moment.
Today I went and sat in my car for a minute. This car used to be my mom's. It might sound strange but I wanted to be somewhere that she had once been. It was comforting for me to sit in the driver's seat and remember driving with her. Sometimes I feel her presence.
Abruptly changing subjects-I think there is a third person living here. I've never seen or heard this person. I've only seen the remnants of them-those extra dishes in the sink. I do so many dishes during the day. The other day I had done two sets of dishes, got in the shower and when I came out there were more dishes in the sink. It seems that my days consist of taking supplements, eating, and doing dishes. When I'm not doing that I'm searching the internet for treatment for this illness.
I do wish the third person would pitch in a little more. At least pay a little rent or pitch in for a big flat screen TV.