Saturday, May 24, 2008


I'm feeling very spacey and a little nauseous. I'm trying to distract myself but am not being very successful so far.

I've sold exactly 100 books on amazon. It feels good. There's something about a round number that is satisfying. I find I have a tiny obsession about round numbers. For example, if I'm entering books into the amazon store I don't feel comfortable stopping unless I stop on a round number. I have 327 books in the store and find myself saying I'll stop entering books once I have 400. That would be fine and I might believe myself except I said that at 100 books, 200, etc... Back in the days of running I wouldn't be able to stop unless it was a round number.

I have some new favorite things to do now. I love finding new music in itunes, I love getting a new box of books to go through. It's great to look through books I might otherwise not have even glanced at. I love taking pictures of flowers. I love color and there is something about the colors of flowers that is fun to capture on film. I love glancing up and seeing a hummingbird.

Hummingbirds have a special meaning for me. My mom loved hummingbirds. Two Christmases before my mom died I decided to make stained glass for everyone. I decided to make stained glass image of a hummingbird. It was getting close to Christmas and I was running out of time. When I was in the middle of making my mom's stained glass a piece near the hummingbird's breast broke off. I didn't have the right shape of the same color of glass to fit the broken piece but I did have a beautiful red piece of glass that would fit so I put the piece of red glass in place of the broken piece. The stained glass hummingbird ended up having a red breast. It ended up looking fine and my mom loved it.

Two years later when she was sick I remember wanting to ask her if it would be alright if she sent me a message after she died letting me know she was okay and that there was a world beyond this one. I never gave voice to my wish but thought about it a lot. Whenever I thought about it I would think about a hummingbird or some sort of bird. Things happened so fast and she died 44 days after being diagnosed so I never even got a chance to express this to her.

A few days after she died I was sitting on their front porch talking to a friend. I remember it being so hot. I was sitting in a chair and glanced up. About 18 inches in front of me was a beautiful hummingbird with a red breast. It hovered for what seemed like a long time though I'm sure it was only seconds. I froze and then started crying. I had never seen a red breasted hummingbird before. This has happened several times over the years.

In certain shamanic cultures the hummingbird symbolizes the connection between this world and the divine. It is also a symbol of accomplishing something that seems impossible. It is also a symbol of resurrection.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You are such an incredible writer. Your story of the hummingbird and your mom has left me with tears and a full heart!