Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I give up

The song Runaway Train is playing right now. The lyrics are appropo:

So tired that I couldnt even sleep
So many secrets I couldnt keep
I promised myself I wouldnt weep
One more promise I couldnt keep.

It seems no one can help me now,
Im in too deep; theres no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow Im neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Lifes mystery seems so faded

--Soul Asylum

I just got back from Acupuncture. No words of encouragement. I asked what he thinks my level of functioning will eventually be. He said he didn't know. That's the first time he's ever said that. He's always been encouraging telling me I'll get better or I'll return to at least 70%. Today I could have sworn he had a sad look in his eye.

He said my body is toxic right now from the herxing that is happening. When he looked at my tongue he actually asked if he could take a picture of it. It was so bad. He said that there is a firey heat (?-in Chinese Medicine) being produced in my body and my reserves aren't able to dampen it down. He said it's the fire is coming up through my head and scorching everything. He was very concerned. So he took a picture of my tongue. He teaches at various places in the bay area so I assume it will be used as a teaching tool. I've been seeing him for a total of 3 years now and I've never seen him so shocked and so unable to contain it. The weird thing is that I've been having the sensation that my tongue is burning. I thought it was due to the thrush.

He did say that explains why I've been feeling so badly lately.

Yesterday was another awful day. The mood herx is as bad as the physical one, even worse. I know it's the brain stuff but it's hard to reason with when it's happening.

I just feel like giving up. No one has any answers. I get a different one depending on who I ask. I wake up to the same day over and over. I want to have a life again and frankly I don't know if that's going to happen.

My acupuncturist told me how tough I am and commented on what I fighter and how high my tolerance is for discomfort, pain, and not feeling well. I agreed with him and also said but I'm tired now. I don't want to fight anymore-I'm at my limit. I can't do this for much longer. Something just has to give.

He was also concerned about my thyroid and said a 50% increase in the TSH level wasn't good. I know that damnit-just tell me what the hell I can do about it! I'm tired of being told how sick I am without any answers.

An agency of a forum that I joined offered to pay for the Igenex test. I emailed them all the requested information but have heard nothing since. I know I'm fixated on getting tested for lyme-If I have it I want to be on the right treatment. If I don't then let's move on to something else.

As I was laying on the acupuncture table I kept asking myself the question how can I make the best of this situation? I don't have an answer. I need to find some meaning in all of this. I've always been able to find meaning in things but this has challenged me. It will be coming up on a year since I've been sick. Six months now of being basically housebound with no improvement, a dwindling savings account, and doing everything I know how in order to fight this thing. It's winning. Hands down. Bloody Mother F****** A******.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, this just breaks my heart. I know this is such a struggle. I love you so much.