Saturday, June 28, 2008

I've Had It

I've had it with remaining silent while putting up with bullshit. I'm hoping I'll be able to communicate what I'm feeling today. There's stuff that I won't say here simply out of respect.

First, an update about my dad. He had a cytoscopy this morning. They found an odd raw spot on his bladder. The doctor doesn't know what it is but took samples for it to be biopsied. Could be bladder cancer but if it is then the treatment is just what happened this morning. People live a long time with bladder cancer. The doctor isn't sure if this will clear things up. If not, the next step is a colonoscopy. Apparently something in the colon can cause some problems like this. He'll remain in the hospital tonight. They will take the catheter out to see how he does. He had a bad night last night. His bladder went into spasms and pushed the catheter out. It sounds incredibly p ainful. My other sister will go up tomorrow. I think she forgot that she talked about me going up too. Oh well. If I decide to go up I'll find a way.

All too often I don't speak up for myself. I've let myself be talked out of my truth and I've taken a passive role in far too many aspects of my life. My focus of life has been on my career-on fulfilling my dream of becoming a psychologist. All of my strengths went into that. I was aggressive, determined, dedicated, centered. The feedback I got from all of my supervisors but two was that I was gifted at this work, a natural. My dissertation advisor, not one to give out praise easily, and has written many books, articles, and speaks all over the world,wrote in a letter of recommendation to the Jung Institute that I was one of the most intelligent students that he has encountered "in years." High praise coming from him. He also told me I had a gift and that because I had it I also had (have) a responsibility to write and to do this work. Doing therapy feels like what it must feel to do art. In regards to my career-my calling-I've been able to pull forth lots of aspects of myself that I don't in other areas of my life.

Things are changing in me. I no longer want to live a life editing my truths. It takes too much energy. At this point I have a choice. I can experience the inner fallout of not standing up for myself or saying the difficult thing or I can experience the outer fallout (as well as inner) of people having reactions to what I have to say. The inner fallout with this is the guilt and self-doubt that often occurs after saying something that isn't easy to hear.

This stuff with my dad has stirred up a lot of feelings.

It's clear though that one aspect of my healing will be to begin to speak up for myself. I will no longer try and protect other people from the pain of hearing things that I have to say that might be unpleasant. I also know that part of the protection is protecting myself from the inner fallout that I'll experience. I can survive both. If I can survive this god awful illness I can survive anything.

I've spent way too much energy trying to contort myself into positions in order to fit in and be accepted.

I've sacrificed myself over and over again. Change involves sacrifice. I've tried to sacrifice the wrong thing-me. Now I'll need to risk sacrificing my relationships with others. I already feel alone so what does it matter anymore really. Except that now I'll gain something.

"You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--over and over announcing your place in the family of things."

What I will gain will be priceless. I will finally find my place and "hear the world announcing my place in the family of things." I will belong.

"we barely recognize the annunciation when it comes, declaring: Here is the life you have tried to throw away. Here is your second chance. Here is the destiny you tried to shake off by inventing a hundred different false roles, a hundred false identities for yourself. It will look at first like disaster (yes, it does at that), but is really good fortune in disguise, since fate too knows how to follow your evasions through a hundred forms of its own. Now you will become at last the one you intended to be..."

My fight is back, at least for today. It feels good. I will no longer try and throw away my life.

1 comment:

Daphne said...

I am SO PROUD of you!! This is my Terri. You are such a fighter and you deserve to take that life that is waiting for you -- and you are such an amazing person and don't need to change at all!! I can't wait to see the non-changes that happen... it's very exciting and I know you will be rewarded in ways you can't even imagine. I love you!