I've just been looking up my classmates from my PhD program to see who has published or not. Then looked at my old dissertation adviser's website, books, publications.
I remember that he whispered in my ear as he was hugging me after I passed my defense "you have to publish now. You're called to do so." He is a phenomenologist, psychologist, author, professor, and poet. He's devoted to Jung, Soul, and Alchemy.
The time I was happiest in my life was while training at the Jung Institute and in school. It was the life I was meant to have. I got off track. Then life happened. Then I got sick.
It's clear I need a reason to get better. I have many but this is deep, deep to my heart and soul. It's my calling. It's clear to me I've lost touch with something very precious to me and I need to find my way back.
I think getting well again (as well as I can) and getting back into this work in some way are linked. Each will feed the other. I have to get my mind back.
I've been thinking about building my own website. I have no idea how but once I fully commit to something I'm very determined.
Separate but related to illness holding me back is fear. I was a very, very shy, quiet kid growing up. I was not meant to move around like we did the first 8 years of my life. I had no self confidence. Not only that but I always felt different like I never quite fit in.
One of the few places I've felt most at home are the Jung Institute, Pacifica Graduate Institute and it's location, and New Mexico where I was born.
The illness makes the fear seem larger. It makes everything seem worse. We regress when ill.
So I have to face my fear and I have to fight on an entire different level. I have to fight to regain my place in the world where I'm meant to be.