Friday, August 29, 2008

Fear

I've just been looking up my classmates from my PhD program to see who has published or not. Then looked at my old dissertation adviser's website, books, publications.

I remember that he whispered in my ear as he was hugging me after I passed my defense "you have to publish now. You're called to do so." He is a phenomenologist, psychologist, author, professor, and poet. He's devoted to Jung, Soul, and Alchemy.

The time I was happiest in my life was while training at the Jung Institute and in school. It was the life I was meant to have. I got off track. Then life happened. Then I got sick.

It's clear I need a reason to get better. I have many but this is deep, deep to my heart and soul. It's my calling. It's clear to me I've lost touch with something very precious to me and I need to find my way back.

I think getting well again (as well as I can) and getting back into this work in some way are linked. Each will feed the other. I have to get my mind back.

I've been thinking about building my own website. I have no idea how but once I fully commit to something I'm very determined.

Separate but related to illness holding me back is fear. I was a very, very shy, quiet kid growing up. I was not meant to move around like we did the first 8 years of my life. I had no self confidence. Not only that but I always felt different like I never quite fit in.

One of the few places I've felt most at home are the Jung Institute, Pacifica Graduate Institute and it's location, and New Mexico where I was born.

The illness makes the fear seem larger. It makes everything seem worse. We regress when ill.

So I have to face my fear and I have to fight on an entire different level. I have to fight to regain my place in the world where I'm meant to be.

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