The one that seems to have run over me. I'm not coming out of this downward turn like I'd hoped. Having an analytical mind is a strength except when it comes to this illness. My mind won't let me rest. I keep trying to find the reason why I'm feeling so very ill.
Is it a reactivated virus? Is it because I'm off all antibiotics? Or because I started diflucan (which I now call diFLUcan)? Am I having a candida die off? Is the lyme reactivating? Am I getting worse? Is is a herxeimer reaction? Is it from the ProBoost I started taking? Or maybe it's because the methylation supplements have kicked the methylation cycle into gear and I'm experiencing those effects.
At bottom, it's an awful feeling of helplessness and uncertainty. When it comes to illnesses like these, medicine is back in the dark ages. There is no certainty-no reliable tests. Treatments are a guessing game-an experiment. You try a treatment and wait and see. If you get worse it could either be a healing crises which would mean the treatment is on the right track or side effects or a crash.
And people wonder why I spend so much time trying to research this stuff. I just want answers. The fact is-I won't get them. At least not in the way that I want.
I'm reminded of the AIDS epidemic back in the 80's and 90's. I worked in SF back then and was involved in the community so I witnessed first hand what happened.
I had a disturbing dream last night the effects of which have been lingering all day. I'm begining to believe that bad/weird dreams might be part of this illness.
I think my brain is really tired. I'm suddenly unsure of how to spell simple words. It's a little alarming.
Thank you to those who stop by to read this blog and leave comments. It means a lot and helps reduce the feeling of isolation. I wish you all a full recovery...