There are many thoughts floating around in my head. Hopefully I'll get to all of them before they leave.
I woke up out of a bad dream. There are days like today when I wake up to this awful depression. It's like waking up to another stark day of laying around in the uncertainty of chronic illness. I just don't have the tolerance for it.
Lately I've been having this dull achey pain in my lower right side. I've had it before. I had it in the summer of 2007 when Kaiser was running all the medical tests. I've also had liver pain too but my liver values are normal. Anyway, I dreamt I went to see two doctors-both partners. I think they were women ob-gyn's. The one I saw also had CFIDS. I was glad to see she was able to return to her practice but she told me she always felt tired. She went on to tell me that I would be forever tired and that I had ovarian cancer. I woke up shortly after that in a funk. On days like these I find myself unable to find any reason to get up and start another day of taking supplements, giving myself shots only to have the same result. But I do anyway. I get up and I take everything I'm suppposed to take.
My mood didn't change. I checked my email late in the day and found that I had been nominated for the Kreativ Blogger Awared by Renee. I was moved that someone both read and got something out of reading this blog. Tomorrow when I'm less sleepy I will talk about it more. The timing of it was perfect. It got me out of my depression. But more importantly was feeling a sense of connection with someone else who suffers from this. This sense of connection is very important to me.
Tonight I went out with Daphne, Bill, Lindsey, and Ella (both of whom are adorable, wonderful kids). Upon leaving the apt I knew something was wrong. It felt like I was about to have vertigo or that things were going to start spinning but they never did. At times it felt like the ground was going to shift sideways but it never did. I decided to keep going anyway-I wanted to try to enjoy Halloween. We all walked for awhile. I was having a difficult time in this strange anticipatory mode of how I would handle it if the ground did suddenly shift or things did start spinning. It was a strange and frightening sensation. Between that and trying not to step on or be stepped on by anyone made me tell the group I needed to bail. Daphne drove. She decided to stay with Bill and the kids. Against my better judgement I turned around to head back to the car. Destination unknown. I couldn't remember where the car was. I was disoriented. I kept walking with a growing sense of unease. It was dark. There were lots of people. All I knew was to stay on San Antonio. I kept feeling a sense of relief when I would come upon a familiar looking house knowing I was on the right path but just not having a clue where the car was.
I could not find the car though and started to feel a sene of panic. I had to calm myself down because I knew I would pass out if my adrenaline started going. I was already feeling woozy. I did not have my cell phone. I ended up walking through the streets lost and in tears. Finally I found the car. I sat there for a moment shaken by the experience. It was like being in the Fun House at the fair where the rooms are all mishapen. Except it just wasn't very fun.
I got home and immediately started researching neurological diseases. This is a fairly new symptom for me. I've had dizziness. I've had short bouts with feeling like things were tipsy but not for an extended period. I assume this is part of CFIDS. Maybe it's part of how HHV6A manifests. I don't know anymore.
I want my mom.