Saturday, November 15, 2008

Overwhelmed

I'd thought I'd do a little catching up on blogging. I spent three nights at my sister's house hoping that getting away from here would help me feel better. I ended up feeling a lot worse. I originally thought it might be because my body was starting to detox the mold toxins but after conferring with some online mold experts determined that wasn't the case. Apparently mold detox doesn't' occur until the body recognizes it's in a safe (non toxic) environment which takes at least a week.

We've looked at several apartments finally finding the right one (praying that it doesn't have mold in it). The landlord is checking references so we should find out in the next day or two.

This process has been very taxing on my body. My nervous system is a wreck. My brain functioning has improved a little bit. I'm guessing that's because of the cholestyramine.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I was sitting on the bed with my little Katie (my beloved kitty). A red breasted hummingbird suddenly appeared at the bird feeder dangling from the bedroom window. There is no reason why a hummingbird would visit this feeder-it's not on correctly, the food is old, it is right next to my almost deaf 85 year old neighbor and his cat (who hangs out on the porch about 2 feet underneath the feeder. In the year that it's been up no hummingbirds have come.

I took it as some sort of sign from my mom. I'm still trying to figure it out. One guess is to hang in there and that she is watching out for me. I got a letter from SSDI yesterday afternoon denying me for the second time. The notice stated the letter from my MD wasn't sufficient because it didn't provide evidence. And it cost $165 for the doctor to write. Probably took him 10 minutes at most-he should have included some test results. Anyway, it said his letter was contradicted by another MD report which stated I could "walk and stand for 6-8 hours per day, lift 20 pounds, etc..." It's crazy. I worked hard since I was 16 paying into the system and now I can't get the money owed me.

A little while after the hummingbird left I overheard knocking on my next door neighbor's door. Then a man saying "hello, are you alright? hello? is everything okay?" I jumped up worried that my neighbor had had another stroke (I've had to call 911 on him 2 times in the past year). As I headed outside I heard the man say "I was just walking my dog and saw water pouring out your window over the garage!" Then I heard my neighbor say "I forgot to turn the f****** water off." The poor guy. And the poor building. This will be the third major water leak in this building in the past year. And it was already water damaged.

Clearly we have to leave so it was a relief to find a cute apartment in a safe neighborhood. I have to trust that financially we'll be okay. I'm going to have to get better enough to pull in some money under the table.

I have a lot of anger at the system. Even though my attorney said more people get denied at this stage than originally I thought for sure that given that I've worked hard, had letters from doctor's, that the decision would go in my favor. I get angry at the billions of dollars provided to Wall Street to corrupt, greedy CEO's when it's hard for someone who is as ill as I am to get approved for SSDI. Thank goodness a Republican isn't in office-they only seem to think of money and how to get more.

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