Sunday, January 25, 2009


That's the word that comes to mind today as I experience another episode similar to what I did on Tuesday.

I can't find words to describe it. It's like I have all the signs of being on the verge of a panic attack only I feel very removed and far away from everything. Add in a little nausea.

I would like to be able to find the words to describe this experience but my brain feels far away. I feel almost outside my body and can't find anyway to feel grounded.

I have a general sense of feeling unwell.

The only thing I can do is endure this experience and trust it will pass.

Yesterday I spoke to someone who is doing their dissertation on CFIDS. He attended the same school I did in the same program. There was one point where I was described what it was like to give up my practice and I could barely contain my tears. This deep sense of sadness welled up in me. I'm glad to participate in the study but I have to admit it was painful to be talking to someone just embarking on the dissertation journey as full of hope and promise that I was a few years ago.

I'm trying my hardest to endure this journey. I don't like it one bit though. Hopefully it will pay off.

1 comment:

Paula said...

I'm glad you write about the weird symptoms. I sometimes wonder if I'm going nuts or is it just another strange symptom of CFIDS.
This illness breaks the legs we stand on. I go back and forth between accepting that I may have to find a new way of existence and wanting my old career life back. I don't know how much longer I can take being in this house day after day just watching everyone else live and plan and laugh and smile. I used to be somewhat functional with this and now I am not. That's what's so frustrating is that I keep asking "what did I do to make myself worse". I guess there aren't always answers. I hope our "endurance" pays off..