I think one of the most challenging parts of this illness (and there are many) is one of maintaining hope. I don't know how to do it. Maybe I should shoot for acceptance.
If I can't have my health back then at least a sense of meaning and peace.
I don't feel as grim as I did yesterday (back in 2007). I'm grateful for that. I had a couple strange dreams. Prior to falling asleep I found myself deep in a sense of despair. I thought to myself well, if I'm not going to feel better and I'm housebound then at least I'll look into medical marijuana.
I dreamt that I was at some sort of bar like place only it wasn't a bar. The guy was talking to me about pot and showing me some new kind that was a tan color-sort of the color of Carmel. It could be stretched like taffy. Although in my dream I didn't want to start smoking pot I found myself intrigued by this new form of it. Suddenly the dream shifted and I realized that I'd bought $253 worth of pot. Only it wasn't buds or plants, it was in all these different forms, and shapes. I was really happy with my purchase and that I'd gotten a deal (no pun intended). It was almost like a rock collection(which I had as a kid, along with a coin collection, map collection, book collection, chemistry stuff, etc). The dream made me happy. I think having it had something to do with a shift in my mood.
In the other dream I realized I still had a lot of work to do (or more than I thought). I thought to myself as soon as I can get this depression to lift I'll get back to it. This could be a hopeful dream in that I still have work to do and it's not over. Because I associate depression with fatigue I think my dream might have been talking about not only the depression but also this illness.
I always feel like I'm on the edge of falling into that depressive pit. I remember talking to Dr. Kliman a couple months after I was diagnosed (he was asking about depression) that I was surprisingly not depressed. I've learned since then that depression can and does accompany this illness for a couple reasons. One is the stress on the body due to being ill for so long causes important chemicals in the brain-dopamine and serotonin mostly-to become low creating a depression induced by illness. Then there is the circumstances of being ill-the grief that accompanies it-with all the loss there is to bear.
So there is a double whammy of depression-both are very powerful. I'm sure too that the brain inflammation doesn't help. It's unfortunate that the depression experienced by people with this illness gets mistaken as being the "real" illness when in fact it's secondary. To complicate matters is that because there is an injury to the brain from whatever pathogens/toxins/bacteria are at play, it can create a sensitivity to medications making it hard to tolerate the side effects of anti depressants. People with this illness are often quite sensitive to medications.
Regardless, the other decision I made last night was that I was going to go on anti depressants. Dr. Kliman had prescribed Prozac (which just made me agitated) and then Wellbutrin (which made my anxiety high and my heart race) just for the purpose of trying to energize my body. I'm willing to try again but this time with the purpose of trying to avoid the depth of depression that I've been sinking to.
I'll call my csf doctor next week and ask him to write a prescription for something.