A New Day

In my struggle to understand what this illness is it seems my dreams presented a definition.

I dreamt I was on my way somewhere. I passed two women, one I knew from high school. We were just acquaintances in high school but for some reason in my dream I felt it necessary to stop to speak with her. The other woman was thanking me for something I had done in the past. I had to explain the reason for my absence and told them I'd been diagnosed with CFIDS. Noticing the puzzled looks on their faces I explained that CFIDS was a devastating neurological illness that affects multiple body systems such as the brain (obviously) and the cardiovascular system.

I find myself wondering why my psyche chose this woman from high school to talk to. The other woman was vague and not an important player. I don't have any particular associations to her other than she had braces at one point (but not in my dream), acne, and she was the girlfriend of a football player.

It was a pleasant dream.

Today I signed up for the self help course designed by a man named Bruce Campbell, PhD who recovered from CFIDS. I should point out that when I use the word recover I don't mean "cured." I no longer believe it's possible to be "cured" from this illness. I do believe it's possible to have improvement-even dramatic improvement. By recover I mean recovering some level of functioning or maybe even recovering an important aspect of one's Self, or a sense of meaning. Recovery can take many forms.

What's most important for me is that once again I'm at that place (however brief it may be) where I believe it's possible to have a meaningful life in spite of this illness, and just possibly, because of it.

I read an article by a woman living with cfids (JoWynn Johns link here: http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/living-within-my-envelope-a-how-to-story) about living within one's energy envelope. It was quite eye opening. It made me redefine my view of what it means to rest.

This past year I thought I was resting because I was laying down. While laying down though I've either been watching TV or furiously researching this illness trying to figure out the quickest way to wellness so I could get back to my life.

That isn't resting. Resting is laying down with no TV, no books, no computer. It's resting-eyes closed with as little stimulation as possible. It's resting my impaired brain as well as my body.

Living within one's energy envelope is something I need to really study and pay attention to. I'm trying to develop a list of warning signs of when I've done too much. For me too much used to mean putting in a 12 hour day, commuting, working out, etc... Now it could mean that I've spent too much time on the computer or sat up for too long. One warning sign is that I become irritable but by the time I realize that I'm irritable, it's too late so I need to figure out warning signs prior to that.

I signed up for the self help class which starts on January 12. I'm looking forward to it. I think it will provide some much needed tools for managing this illness.

This apartment is very, very cold in spite of every attempt to use different sorts of heaters. If the outside temperature drops below 50 you pay for it inside. I find myself quite frustrated with how cold it gets especially since my body doesnt' regulate temperature very well. Once I get to a certain level of coldness it's very hard to get warm. Not to mention the extra energy it takes to shiver. I write this as I lay in bed with the heater turned up high surrounded by three very content kitties.

One thing I like about this apartment is that I can see the birds outside my living room window. I love birds. I saw one little bird checking out an abandoned nest that is situated in a beautiful tree perfectly framed by the window. It seems the birds are already planning for spring. I plan on getting out my binoculars and bird book to see what sort of birds visit. I have a special relationship with birds, especially hummingbirds. Here's an earlier post I wrote about hummingbirds:

Hummingbirds have a special meaning for me. My mom loved hummingbirds. Two Christmases before my mom died I decided to make stained glass for everyone. I decided to make stained glass image of a hummingbird. It was getting close to Christmas and I was running out of time. When I was in the middle of making my mom's stained glass a piece near the hummingbird's breast broke off. I didn't have the right shape of the same color of glass to fit the broken piece but I did have a beautiful red piece of glass that would fit so I put the piece of red glass in place of the broken piece. The stained glass hummingbird ended up having a red breast. It ended up looking fine and my mom loved it.

Two years later when she was sick I remember wanting to ask her if it would be alright if she sent me a message after she died letting me know she was okay and that there was a world beyond this one. I never gave voice to my wish but thought about it a lot. Whenever I thought about it I would think about a hummingbird or some sort of bird. Things happened so fast and she died 44 days after being diagnosed so I never even got a chance to express this to her.

A few days after she died I was sitting on their front porch talking to a friend. I remember it being so hot. I was sitting in a chair and glanced up. About 18 inches in front of me was a beautiful hummingbird with a red breast. It hovered for what seemed like a long time though I'm sure it was only seconds. I froze and then started crying. I had never seen a red breasted hummingbird before. This has happened several times over the years.

In certain shamanic cultures the hummingbird symbolizes the connection between this world and the divine. It is also a symbol of accomplishing something that seems impossible. It is also a symbol of resurrection.