Thursday, February 19, 2009

Writer's Block

I think I'm having a blogging writer's block. I'm at a loss as to what to write about and feel a bit blank when I log into my account.

I feel as if I'm in limbo-which I am. I think I'm in a Valcyte limbo-waiting to see what's going to happen, whether or not it will work. I'm also in limbo waiting to see how I'll emerge from all this regardless of whether Valcyte works or not.

I feel like my stamina has improved a little bit. I hesitate to talk about any improvements because it could simply be the relapsing and remitting nature of this illness. Plus last February I remember having some good days.

Today I had increased fatigue along with body aches but my mood was better. I was able to go for a short walk. I enjoy being outside so much I just savor every moment of it.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my hair. I used to see someone in SF whom I just loved both how he cut my hair as well as his personality. It was a real treat to see Charles I haven't seen him in 14 months now. During my last appointment with him I told him I was ill with a "strange illness" and would be taking some time off work so I probably wouldn't see him for 3 months. I was dismissive of my illness at the time although deep down I knew something was really wrong. He's been cutting my hair every six weeks for years and prior to that I went to his best friend for 10 years (who now cuts hair for some of the cast on Desperate Housewives). In addition to a great haircut, and good conversation, I also got some good gossip about the show (although out of respect for people's privacy I would never repeat it).

I can't handle a trip into the city so I've been getting by. First trying to trim my own hair trying to imitate what Charles did. That was a bad idea. Then I tried going to few local places. I have to do walk ins because I don't know if I'll be well enough to handle an appt and don't like to cancel on a hair stylist at the last minute. Now I go months in between hair cuts. I used to be so particular about my hair. It's time for a cut-I can't stand it anymore but I can't find anyone else who knows how to cut my type of hair.

There was a break in the rain today which was nice. I grew up in various desert type settings so lots of rain and me don't mix. At all.

Lent happens to fall on my mom birthday. I plan on going to Church-in part to honor her and also I'd like to participate in Lent this year. It used to be my favorite time of the year because to me it was the most spiritual. It wasn't commercialized. I want to deepen my felt sense of spirituality and so am looking forward to it. I'm hoping the Valcyte mood issues won't make my mom's birthday a tough day. For years after her death her birthday and the day she died were tough days. This year maybe I can meet her in Church. I tend to listen to Church services through Jungian ears because that's what makes the most sense to me.


Jozephine said...

Maybe limbo is a sign of improvement? I get so focussed on myself when there's nothing happening it feels strange. And you have the energy for a long post.

I hope your Mum is 'in' when you go to meet her.


PS May I link to your blog from my blog?

Renee said...

Sometimes I get writers/blogging block brain just seems to need a break from it all...or I just don't have much to say! Othertimes it is just exhaustion i think.
Hair cuts...that set me thinking. I have had to have someone come to my home due to chemical smells in the salons...then I reacted so badly to the smells of the person coming that I started cutting the front and sides myself and Joel, YES I said my poor husband Joel cuts the back! I keep it short so this helps, but it is a mix of hair lengths I am sure. He does not like cutting it but does it out of love I think. Some day I will need to find someone to come in and shape it ~ especially if I am going to go out into the real world again :)
Good luck with your hair ~~~
I find for myself I just kind of sense that my mom is around me and I talk to her quite often although I miss hearing her talk to me...that does not happen ;) I remember right after she died feeling her presence with me all day and not wanting the day to end as I knew she would not "be there" in the morning. I miss her at times. I hope and pray you find a sense of peace and joy in her memory without it depressing you this year, Terri.

Sue Jackson said...

Don't worry about blogger's block. Sometimes we just like to hear how you're doing :)

Glad to hear your mood is somewhat better. I hope you continue to improve.

Enjoy the weekend -


P.S. You're so lucky to be able to enjoy the outdoors! We had wind chills in the teens today - brr!

Pris said...

I take frequent breaks from my blog, then may do two or three in a row. Sometimes there just isn't anything to say. If you feel you want to blog, sharing a link to art you like or maybe a youtube ...the embed code works in the fun. I enjoy doing that. I just put Meatloaf up on my blog:-)

The hair..yes, difficult. I cut my own a lot, too. It's fine and straight, so I can do it without too big of a mess, but I'd prefer a professional cut. Do that maybe 3 or 4 times a year. It's both the energy and all the chem smells.

I'm thinking of you with your mom. Mine's been gone since 1996 and, oddly, I dreamed I saw her last night. Those dreams are good ones now, like I get to have another bit of time with her.