I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I couldn't quite figure out why until I realized today is Mother's Day. Even though my mom died over ten years ago I still miss her. Having one's mom die young has an huge impact especially on women.
She was a great mom and well loved. There must have been over 500 people at her funeral. Those short 44 days that she was sick and then after her death brought tons of cards filled with people describing her experience of her. I loved reading the stories people told about her. She made people feel like they were special in the way she quietly listened. She was thoughtful, introverted, and quite self-conscious about her hearing (she became almost deaf on one ear and had loss of hearing in another). She was deeply spiritual and was a devout though liberal Catholic. She loved arts and crafts. She lived her life quietly but powerfully. She was one of the first women to give a homily in the Catholic Church. She loved us deeply though it wasn't always expressed directly.
I learned a lot from her but not enough. None of us had enough time with her. She taught me so much in the way that she died.
Never in a million years would I have imagined she would die at 59.
I do believe she is still with me and at times I can feel her presence. I think she is as horrified by my illness as I am. About two months ago I was feeling particularly down to the point of making contact with the people at the Final Exit Network. That night I had a dream I was riding these really cool bicycles. I was trying to decide between two of them and kept returning to the bike shop in an attempt to make a decision. As dreams do, it shifted and I found myself standing at the checkout counter. My mom was standing right next to me telling me she would be waiting for me when I was ready to "check out." I have found much comfort in that dream.
This post is in honor of my mom. In the realm of the world that we live in I'm unable to tell her how much I love her and miss her. I can only honor her memory.
To those of you who are Mother's, I wish you a wonderful Mother's Day. Those of you who have mom's who are still living, treasure and cherish them and give them a big hug. I wish I could give my mom one more hug...