Thursday, June 4, 2009


Carl Jung wrote a lot about synchronicity which in its most simple definition can be translated as "meaningful coincidences." I'd like to write about it but have neither the brain nor the energy but it is a fascinating concept to me, one which points to events that occur outside the space-time continuum that we live in and a phenomenon that suggests there is something greater than ourselves that exists. I believe that synchronistic phenomenon occur most frequently around death but also occur during regular everyday living.

It's been kind of a rough week starting when I spoke to my SSDI attorney. We were going over various reports doctor's had written when he came upon the SSDI neuropsychologist examiner report which showed I had at least moderate impairment. I was shocked to learn my IQ had dropped 30 points in one area and at least 20 in another. And I was really trying on those tests.

The most upsetting news was learning of my cousin's death. He died last Friday of esophageal cancer that had been diagnosed just one year prior (maybe not even one year). He hadn't reached his 55 birthday.

Growing up I never felt like I'd fit in anywhere. Moving around a lot prior to 4th grade only compounded my sense of not belonging anywhere. The only place I felt like I truly belonged was when I was with my extended family on my mom's side. I felt accepted, loved, and seen for who I was. I happen to think my Aunt's, Uncle's, and cousins are some of the finest people you could ever meet-highly intelligent, grounded, liberal Irish Catholic, great sense of humor, socially aware, kind. They lived in another state so we visited them once or twice yearly but they were never far from my mind. When my mom died this particular cousin (Dennie) really helped me out. He had lost his father just 8 months prior.

I feel such sadness not only for the loss of a person like Dennie but for his family. He leaves behind two daughters and a wife who loved him immensely. His mother (my Aunt and my mom's older sister) has had to bury her husband, her younger sister, and now her son. I cry when I think of the pain she and the rest of her family are feeling. He also had two brothers and two sisters.

His funeral is tomorrow. It's in another state and I'm too sick to attend-something which breaks my heart and is very upsetting for I'd like nothing more than to be another person to show up and be a support for the family. I remember how much it meant to me when my mom died. Every day this week I've been on the computer looking up Amtrack schedules trying to figure out how I could attend his funeral. Amtrack has sleeper rooms but they are quite expensive.

Here I was, someone who can't even go out to dinner, thinking maybe there was a way to will my body to get strong enough to attend my cousin's funeral.

It has been difficult to accept that I can't go and it's made me feel helpless in a way I don't like.

Abruptly changing subjects now (I can't think of a transition sentence): I started Lamictal today. There was a delay because the pharmacy had to do a special order because I can't swallow pills. I did some googling and found that Lamictal can have a positive impact on cfs symptoms in addition to helping with depression. I'm grateful that my doctor thought of this so I won't have to try an SSRI.

I was pleased to have received the Amygdala Retraining Materials in the mail. I wasn't expecting them until next week so this was a nice surprise. I've watched the introductory sessions. I'm liking what I'm hearing so far. The DVD's are very professional and well done. Ashok Gupta has a pleasant voice and so far it's brain fog friendly. I'll be starting the actual retraining part tomorrow or Saturday.

After going to the pharmacy to pick up the Lamictal I decided to stop in at the health food store that was near the pharmacy purely out of convenience. I've never been to this health food store but needed to get more d-ribose and protein powder. As I was paying for both the man behind the counter asked me why I was taking d-ribose. I mentioned something about my heart. He asked a couple questions then asked me to sit down. It turns out he is a chinese acupuncturist and herbalist. He is from China. He listened to my pulses, looked at my tongue, and was quiet for some time (which raised my anxiety). Then he said what does your doctor tell you about your heart? I told him I'm waiting to get in to see a cardiologist. He seemed very concerned. Then asked if I was having trouble sleeping (yes), were my feet cold a lot (yes). He mentioned something about excess heat in the heart and told me I needed to strengthen my mind to tell this illness to go away. He's going to put together some Chinese Herbs to help. As I left he said "something tells me you need my help a lot. I will help you." As I left I couldn't help but feel the universe was taking care of me. And I'm grateful.


Shelley said...

I am still over here holding you in the Light.

Renee said...

"Meaningful coicindences"...I have always called them "God-incidences" ~ there is a behind the scenes connection that seems to come at just the right times in our lives...or in our day!
I am sorry you are having to go through so much with SSDI and to hear how much the CFS/ME as affected your IQ, etc. must be difficult.
I am so sorry abut the death of your cousin Dennie. It is so hard to not be able to be there in person for/with family or friends during times like these.
You are in my prayers for your loss, and for the new medication to work.
How exciting it is to have the chinese acupuncturist and herbalist offer to help you. Wow!
I got my Amygdala retraining materials on Wed. and plan to spend the weekend reviewing and starting them. Looks promising.

Pris said...

I'm looking foward to your reports on the Retraining. It's very intriguing. I'm so sorry about your cousin. It set off instant vibes with me. One of my few close cousins died about 8 or 9 years into CFIDS of esophageal cancer, too. She lived a year from diagnosis. I couldn't even go visit her, much less attend the ceremony when she died. It's so very hard, isn't it?
I hope the herbalist /acupuncturist helps, too!


cfswarrior said...

Thank you Shelly. That means a lot.


cfswarrior said...


I agree. It's amazing when they happen isn't it?

It is difficult to hear how the cfs has affected my brain. I've used my mind to navigate life! I'm hoping it will get better over time.

I'm looking forward to hearing about your experiences with the Amygdala Retraining.


cfswarrior said...

Hi Pris-

This is such a difficult part of this illness-not being able to be there for family who are sick or in crises.

I haven't heard back from the acupuncturist. I'm hoping he'll call...

I'll keep you posted on the Amygdala Retraining. I'm hoping to begin the actual retraining tomorrow.