Friday, August 7, 2009


I met Bobby during a job interview in 1993. We clicked and became fast, close friends spanning the next 15 years and bridging various tragedies that beset each of us. He and I worked together,went to grad school, did our pre-doc hours together, and hung out together. He was one of the people in my life who had a great impact on me. He and I cried on each other's shoulders as various relationships would come and go. We laughed together a lot which is something I treasured. We were like sister and brother, best friends, and often joked that if we were straight we would have been married. Bobby is the one who introduced me to my PhD program that we attended together. He was there through my mom's illness and death.

He was also a recovering heroin addict. He relapsed on heroin and I lost contact with him. After becoming sick I began to search for him. I wanted to reconnect with him and prayed that he'd found his way back into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous again. My attempts to search for him were futile.

This morning I woke up, checked Facebook-was pleased to see people had made friend requests, then checked my other email. There was an email from one of Bobby's friends saying Bobby had been found murdered on July, 28. Whoosh-was the sound I felt as the air was sucked out my my lungs and then my heart fell in pieces to the floor. I haven't been able to stop crying.

Knowing Bobby as deeply as I did makes the way he died even more tragic-at the hands of his lover who then killed himself. Both of them were using crack and heroin.

Next to losing my mom and getting sick, this is a biggie for me. I loved Bobby and missed him terribly after we lost touch. I had looked for him on Facebook but he wasn't there either.

I have phone numbers of people to contact about his death but I can't make the call until I know I won't cry on the phone.

I actually can't talk to anyone right now. The most I can do is write in this blog and hope the sick feeling in my stomach goes away and then hope I can reach out to people because I really need it right now.

After my mom died I'd found a quote by Elizabeth Kuhbler-Ross:

You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, But you will grow if you are sick, If you are in pain, if you experience losses, And if you do not put your head in the sand, But take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose.

I wish I could have one last hug and one last laugh with my dear friend.


  1. Words cannot express how sorry I am about this tragedy.

  2. Oh my gosh.. I am SO SO sorry, Terri. I know nothing I could say would help to ease your pain, so will only say I am thinking of you and sending hugs. I loved that quote, and hope you are able to find some peace through it somehow.

  3. Terri, I am still over here holding you in the Light.

    And so very sorry for your loss.

  4. Oh Terri....I am so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

  5. im so, so sorry. i really dont know what to say.

  6. I am so sorry, Terri for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this time. May you find peace in the memories of Bobby that you hold in your heart.

  7. So sad and such a terrible shock for you. I too had a friend with whom I lost touch. We shared the same birthday and were at school together: found out he had died in his sleep two weeks before 'our' 40th birthday --- two weeks after the event. That was 13 years ago and I still think about him every day.

    I hope you can find some peace and come to a place where you can remember all the special times with Bobby as a way to honour your special relationship.

    Lovely Elisabeth K-R quote. Thank you.

  8. dear dear terri, i am stunned. i am so very very sorry for your loss and pain. i know it is sheer misery.

    i lost my favorite aunt to a violent homocide when i was 12. she was 30. when i turned 24, i realized i'd been living as long without her as i'd had with her. when i myself turned 30, i remember thinking i was her age when she died. now it has been almost 30 years since she died, as long as she was alive. it still feels surreal, like something so horrible could not have happened. but it did. i can't really think of her without thinking of how she was killed, of how she was disrespected, and how she can never be replaced. i still don't know how to cope with her loss.

    there is no way to make sense of such tragedy. i am so so so sorry you are going thru this. i wish no one would ever have to feel this way. my heart goes out to you and when you are able, i would love to talk.

    thinking of you and sending love, vanessa

  9. A tragedy to say the least ... For whatever it's worth, my thoughts & prayers are with you

  10. A devastating loss. So shocked and sorry to read about it. Keep writing.

  11. Oh Terri--I am so so sorry to hear of Bobby's death. How awful to find this out. My heart goes out to you. Love you! Liz

  12. Terri - I am so, so sorry to hear of Bobby's death. He sounds like such a special friend - how sad that his life ended so tragically. I will keep his family and you in my prayers - and I'm sending you huge hugs from up here in Idaho.

    Love you,

  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you...

  14. My heart breaks for you Terri... I am so sorry for your loss.