Quite a few people have asked me why am I not staying at the house and are wanting me to really "fight for my rights" and saying since I'm sick I should be the one to stay at the house. My response to that is I don't have the energy for a fight nor do I want to go into a fighting stance. All my energy is taken up trying to get through the day with the amount of stress I'm experiencing. It has started to affect my health and I can't afford to lose anymore functioning than I already have.
All I want is to resolve things as peacefully and friendly as possible and move on. It's complicated being co-owners of the house and a bit over my cognitively challenged brain so I'm seeking consultation to find out what the options are. That's it.
I do not have the energy to spare in trying to engage in making her be the bad guy. While I think it sucks that I had absolutely no warning and therefore no time to prepare financially in anyway I think its something that can be solved amicably. At least I hope so.
I have no desire for revenge or to get back at her or anything like that.
I hadn't wanted to try to do a budget until today. After I added up monthly expenses including food, utilities, loan, etc...to see how much I would have left over for rent, I discovered I have $75 left over to pay for rent and that was a conservative estimate. I didn't even include things like copays for doctor visits.
So I tried to see if I was eligible for any other type of financial assistance. But because I co-own a house I'm not eligible for any other type of assistance as the house is considered an asset. Even if I were eligible for more money it might be $50 or so. Not much but every bit counts.
I am angry about all of this but I'm trying to stay out of the anger because it isn't good for my body.
So I'm stuck. Once again I'll state I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going to get through this.
I'm trying to keep my stress level down but that is difficult when I cannot afford to pay rent ANYWHERE. Everywhere I turn I come up against a brick wall. It feels like I'm in a nightmare.
I'm trying to nurture my heart and soul by reading Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart", Toni Berhard's book "How to be Sick, listening to the audio version of Clarissa Pinkola Estes "Seeing In the Dark", and Sharon Salzsberg's audio version of "Faith". When I can't sleep at night I plug my earphones into my Ipad and listen to one of the two books above. It does help but only for a few minutes at a time.
It's a frightening place to be and all I want is for all this to be over with. I feel like my fight isn't with my ex but rather a fight for my very survival.
I've exhausted all my resources at this point. I didn't get my SSDI check this month because it was stolen back in June. They sent me a replacement check which I deposited but whoever stole my check also deposited a check which triggered a red flag in the system that they had overpaid me so they withheld my November check. The SSDI worker told me its clearly not my signature and has a different bank account on it so it got forwarded to the Department of Commerce/FBI. Because the Dept of Commerce is so overwhelmed it could take months before I get reimbursed. I was told it isn't considered a priority. So, I did not get a check this month.
I have a student loan. Last month I went online to pay it and ended up paying for both October and November by accident. Thank goodness I did because I wouldn't have been able to pay it this month.
It feels like an impossible situation. I see no way out and I don't know what I'm going to do.
People might wonder why am I talking about this on a public blog. I do that for two reasons. One is that its all too common for people with chronic illnesses to be dumped by their spouse/partner and maybe my experience can benefit others although right now my experience my frighten others. The other reason why I'm blogging about this is because I'm trying to gather all the support I can get. I have no pride left and I've got nothing to lose anymore.
I simply don't understand why I can't get a break. It's been a long and difficult four years. I had to fight to get approved for SSDI. I've had to fight to get from bedbound to housebound. I have no fight left in me anymore. I'm too tired, I'm way too tired.
So if you are so inclined I could sure use prayers. It seems it will only be through a Divine intervention that I can find a way through this.