I'm done. I'm not even sure what I mean when I say that but I'm fed up, done, I give up. It doesn't help my attitude any that I'm crashing. It's not a horrible one but given all that's going on I'm surprised it hasn't happened earlier.
I had the colonoscopy Tuesday. I was up all night Monday due to the prep. The colonoscopy itself wasn't bad although it did hurt when they removed a polyp. I remember asking the doctor "is that supposed to hurt?" I don't remember his reply but I think they increased the versed. It continued to hurt and then I was out and don't remember the rest of it. I ended up having 10mg of Versed. I don't remember the ride home.
The GI doctor sent the polyp off to be biopsied and it came back premalignant so I'm supposed to call them first thing tomorrow morning.
I had a phone consult with my ME doctor today. I almost started sobbing on the phone as I told him that I'm continuing to get more discouraged and hopeless about my situation. I had to fight off the tears because I couldn't afford to pay for anymore time than I already did. He said that it sounds like right now success for me is just putting one foot in front of the other.
He was very concerned to hear that my problems with swallowing are continuing to progress. First it was just trouble with big pills, then I had to stop eating certain foods, and now at times even swallowing saliva is difficult. The other day I couldn't get jello down because the swallowing muscles just stopped working so the jello sat in my throat until finally I was able to swallow. It's a bit unnerving.
My doctor wants me to do the Patricia Kane protocol and get a heplock so I can do IV's at home. He said the PK protocol is good for neurodegenerative diseases like MS and ALS. He hopes that will help with the difficulty in swallowing or at least slow down the progression.
He thinks a big part of my problem is toxicity (including chemicals, toxins from viruses, bacterial infections, etc...). Once I get my body cleaned up then we would go back to tackling infections. Bartonella came up again. I said I couldn't tolerate the treatment. He said once I do the protocol I should be able to tolerate it.
I'm also getting tested to see if I'm a candidate for the KPU protocol. You can read about it here and/or here.
Because I'm under so much stress right now he wants to add in more adrenal support. So I'll start Ashwagandha and Cytozyme AD.
He recommended ginger root to see if it would help my GI symptoms. And he wants to test for parasites and believes that might be part of my problem. We'll also test for amino acid deficiency as well as other nutrient deficiencies. And he'll test me for a bunch of viruses.
My only problem is how am I going to pay for all of this. The testing will get paid for by insurance but the heplock and IV's?
I continue to have bad dreams about the break up. Even while in the relationship I would have a recurring dream where she would break up with me because she had met someone else and I would try to talk to her only to be met with coldness and apathy. Those dreams are still occurring. I had no idea how true they would turn out to be. I just want them to stop. I inevitably wake up out of the dream with that racy feeling.
My doctor believes that people who have been ill a long time end up with a body dominated by the sympathetic nervous system and this is why I'm waking up like this. The Prazosin should help with that. Now that I'm done with the colonoscopy and today got the crown on my tooth I can start the Prazosin. I told him my hesitation in starting it was the fainting. He recommended starting with half a dose and then increase it as I tolerate it better. He also assured me that fainting is not a common reaction even though it said so on the side effect profile provided by the pharmacy.
I need to find a place to live but haven't been able to find anything which is partly why I'm feeling so discouraged. If I had more money for rent it wouldn't be this difficult.
I've emailed lots of places. It turns out there are a lot of people on craigslist who are out to scam others. I've had a few replies from a guy supposedly in Africa who says of bunch of strange things and then tells me to contact whomever and give them all my information. Then there was the woman who wanted me to give her all the information to run a credit report and refused to provide any info until I had done that. Today I got a response telling me I had to be "God-fearing" or else he wouldn't rent to me.
Most people looking for someone to share a place don't bother to respond. The polite ones do and they are nice in the various ways they say they are looking for someone who is employed.
I have emailed everyone I know asking them about what it's like to live in various places. A high school friend moved me to tears when she said it breaks her heart to hear what's happening because she knew me to be one of the kindest and generous people she has met. She lives in Las Vegas and said the services there are terrible so I wouldn't be able to get any help with medical costs.
I suppose I should change the name of this blog to the Debbie Downer blog.
Things should get better one way or another. Apologies for not being cheerful or optimistic. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'll be glad when the Holidays are over.