Monday, December 12, 2011

Losing My Perspective

I've continued to crash but (knock on wood) it isn't a bad one. The colonoscopy prep today feels a bit hard on my body but I think that has more to do with not eating. I'm drinking clear Gatorade as well as vegetable bouillon to help with the POTS symptoms.

The past couple days I have felt so fatigued but it feels different than the regular crash fatigue I normally feel. Or maybe my sleep pattern is shifting to oversleeping. I've slept over 11 hours the past 2 nights. I would be asleep right now but I have to take Dulcolax in 15 minutes followed by more magnesium citrate in an hour. I imagine I'll be busy the rest of the night. My sister will be picking me at the ungodly hour of 6:00 am for the colonoscopy.

My brain has felt weird as if I'm lightheaded. The past couple days I've felt this weird combination of feeling like I'm carrying 500 pounds while also feeling very light.

I had a dream last night that I was shopping with my friend Bobby (who in real life was killed 2 years ago). In real life we were really close and used to go shopping together in SF. We were shopping at this shop that sold really cool golf clothes. We were as happy as can be as we sorted through various cool golf clothes.

I woke up realizing all that has recently happened in my life and immediately felt depressed. Not only are golf clothes not cool : )  but I really don't like my reality right now.

I've decided against Palm Springs after doing some research. I wanted to clarify something in my last post. I do not believe that mold causes ME. I  believe it can influence ones symptoms as it can with any chronic illness. It has been a factor in my illness but not the cause.

I have to admit I was surprised to see part of my last blog post on Facebook the other day. In the past most people have given me the courtesy of asking permission before reposting.

I'm feeling a bit irritable and have a pounding headache on one side of my head most likely from not having my green tea today and also from not eating.

I'm discouraged about the housing search. All I want is a safe, warm place I can afford where I can also have my dog and cat and where I'm not socially isolated.

I've asked everybody I know about what their opinion is on living in various locations. I'm considering Eugene, Oregon because the cost of living is not as high here and I'd still be near family but I'm concerned about all the rain.

My youngest sister invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner which is a treat since she is the best cook around. She even won a couple awards at the Fair this past summer.

I hope someday my posts will be more uplifting.


Toni said...

Terri - I always feel awful the day before a prep for the colonoscopy so I'm sure that's contributing to your feeling so down. The good news is that the procedure itself, in my experience, is easy these days. It's the day of not eating and the prep that's particularly hard on people with ME/CFS.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Renee said...

Praying for you Terri....