Friday, January 6, 2012


The only thing I can do these days is write about all this. Aside from my mom's death I've never been through such a difficult and frightening time. There is so much unknown. I've been encouraged to think about the future and make plans for it. I know its out of concern but the reality for me is the future is too scary. I have to stick with today. That's hard enough. Or the next task.

I'm overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done as well as with everything happening internally. I shouldn't but I miss my ex a lot.

I guess I was in a bit of shock at how quickly things ended and the grief has been hitting me hard these  past few days. Yesterday I stayed in my room and cried off and on throughout the day. Today has been the same.

When I'm not grieving I'm frightened. There are a lot of 'what ifs' to be considered. It's a necessary question with a disease as unpredictable as ME is. What if I have even more improvement? What if I get worse? What if I end up in a moldy place? And then the more practical things like how am I going to physically get myself to various apartments to look at them. I can't yet drive on the freeway although I am encouraged by the improvements I'm having.

I'm also grieving lost dreams. Being around my niece and nephew makes me realize how much I wish I had kids or kid. I'm quiet much of the time I'm around them but I enjoy watching them and I love just being around them even if we don't talk. I'm mindful that I'm a guest and want to respect their space. I remember when we would have various people staying with us that at times I just wanted them to leave so I could have my space back.

I received an email from a recruiting agency today saying they had a position that would fit my qualifications. Then the recruiter left a message on my phone saying they really wanted to talk to me. Why now? The last time I turned in a resume was 2007 after my post-doc. I looked up the recruiting agency and they are for real. I don't know what to make of the timing. It feels almost like a cruel joke. I would love nothing more than to be able to work. It would solve so many problems if I could work right now.

I've been reading Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart". She encourages being present with feelings rather than running. The first chapter about fear was quite helpful yet also difficult to do-to turn and face one's fears rather than running from them. It might ultimately be helpful but right now I'm not liking it so much. Because I can't distract myself like I used to I have no choice but to face my feelings. Truly the only pain we can avoid is the pain of avoiding pain.

I was trying to organize some things and found a book my Aunt had sent me after my mom died. It's called "Praying Our Goodbyes". Just the title made me cry. When I opened up the book a card from one of my cousins fell out. She'd written it after my mom died. She said that she and my mom had a conversation at my Uncle's funeral and that my mom mostly talked about how proud she was of me for facing some things that occurred about 4 years prior to her death. It both felt good yet painful to read that. I realized how much I'm missing my mom right now. I think that's partly what the grief was about when my sister treated me to a haircut. It's something my mom would have done except she would have taken me shopping for a new outfit.

And the health stuff. I'm still having bleeding which means I'm no longer responding to the anti-inflammatory medication. The bleeding has decreased which is good but after the emergency room visit the treatment stopped the bleeding completely until I finished the treatment-then the bleeding started again so surgery is looking more likely. I decided to be brave and look up the procedure my doctor talked about so I know what to expect and how long the healing will take. It doesn't sound all that fun. I am concerned about going under general anesthesia at this time in my life. Things feel so painful right now that I'm not that sure I'll wake up again. I've lost so much and have had to get back up so much that I don't know that I have it in me to get back up this time. I don't like the bleeding though. If I continue to bleed throughout the weekend I'll get the name of a surgeon and have a consult to get things started. I don't have the time to wait around. I need to get on with my life such as it is.

So I'm trying to do what I can to heal my soul. It would be good to have my own place. I got an email from one of my best friends in high school and college saying they had a condo for rent. She and her husband live in Las Vegas which is where the condo is. I can't afford it but the thought was nice. She invited me out there for a visit to see if I liked Las Vegas.

The other thing weighing heavy on my heart is it looks like I won't be able to have Chelsea with me. It's heartbreaking. It's almost as if she senses something because she is sticking so close to my side even coming in to the bathroom and laying down on the rug. I have to find a way to have her with me. I can't imagine having her heartbroken one more time.

Intellectually I know this is what I need to do-feel everything. It's the only way through. I think the part that's scary is I've never been in this position before where I'm dependent on the government for income and that I have to depend on people for certain things.


Cusp said...

Oh my dear....such a painful time. It might be right that you need to 'feel everything'....but not all at once. In a situation like yours all you can do is take each day, each moment at a time and cope with what you can cope with at that moment. You dont have to be brave, be super, just have to be as you are at that moment. That way you'll gradually heal and gradually be able to face the fears bit by bit, incremently as they surface at the right tiem for you.

I dont know if you believe in such stuff but maybe that card falling out of the book was a way of your Mum saying she's still around, still there, still proud may be on another plain or only in your heart but she is there for you.

I'm too far away and too out of touch with how things work in U.S. as opposed to U.K. but I and other people are here to hear you and listen and hold what you say and how you feel xxx

Ronnie said...

Being present with your feelings is a good goal, but as Cusp said, you can't take it all on all at once. I understand what you say about not being able to distract yourself from your feelings anymore - at night is when the lack of distraction really gets to me. I try to distract myself from how my condition is during the day as don't want to focus on it and depress myself. But it is so hard...

I wish you better health and comfort.

Renee said...

Sending gentle hugs to you, Terri. I think you are doing amazingly well considering ALL that has gone on and IS going on right now. I too think your mom was letting you know that she is with you...Being who we are at the moment is wise advice...I second it. And don't forget that you are in our thoughts.

Pris said...

Such a painful time. I'm too swimmy to comment much except to say that you're always in my thoughts. When I check my blog yours is the one I look for to see how are you. You've made a huge impact on your readers and I'm right at the top of the list.