Friday, August 23, 2013

Re-Engaging with Life

If I were to label this period of my illness it would be re-engaging with life.  I'd been too ill previously to even hope to be able to write a statement like that.

But that's what I'm doing. I'm re-engaging with life . There is a lot I've been thinking about as well as a few projects I've decided to tackle. One involves building a website. I'm looking forward to teaching myself how to do it. My ex sent me some excellent links (she knows about all this stuff).

I'm doing research a  couple hours a day. I find myself feeling joy at being able to think better again (still a long way to go). As I"m reading the research I find myself engaging in asking questions. I love ideas and possibilities and theory. I enjoy following the thread of a question where ever it leads.

I'm also finding myself in this strange position of being well enough to consider having a few friends in my life. There's so much I want to do  and explore. I want to travel (as best I can). I want to go to the oldest place in the world and stand there and feel the power of the land and the spirits of the ancestors. 

I'm being very selective in the friend department and am taking an active stance vs passive. I know the type of people I don't want to be friends with (flakes, dishonest people, being treated like a pest, mixed messages (come here/go away).  I'm finding myself drawn to different sorts of people than I was prior to getting sick. I like it. 

I'm playing music a lot. I love music. I adore the Violin. Always have. I think it sounds beautiful. I love the beauty of the violin itself. 

I've written a draft of a letter to my dissertation advisor to explain what happened and to get started on publishing. This is something I've avoided doing because of the grief involved. I shed a few tears as I was writing but I noticed something sort of incredible.

I was talking about my illness in the PAST tense. I'm  not in remission. I'm still very limited but I've had huge improvement considering how sick I was. 

But I talked about the severity of symptoms in the past tense. As if I could move on with the rest of my life now. What a gift. 

Yesterday I went to get my hair cut. It only cost $15.  The stylist asked what I did so I told her (what I used to do). Her reply was "oh so now you're going to analyze everything I say".  I sighed to myself. After hearing statements like this for years it's become a pet peeve.  It closes down conversation because I start to become self conscious every time I ask a question!  Or make a comment about feelings. I want to shout at people. This is WHO I AM!  I was drawn to the profession precisely because of the qualities I had. 

What I am in an empath. It's who I am. 


Anonymous said...

That is wonderful that you are feeling better!

Lee Lee said...

yah! I am soo jealous, I'd love to be able to get a real haircut. Well done, and great it only cost you $15. Mind you ... maybe if you had paid $30 you wouldnt have had to deal with that stupidity about your career LOL. xo