Saturday, August 10, 2013


I'm flat on my back with some sort of virus that started yesterday. I feel like I did when I had c. pneumonia as a child. I had labs done in a lab where a pediatric office so I'm sure I got exposed to some  virus. 

I've been having pain on the soles of my feet for a few weeks which is my sign that Bartonella is at play again. I started "Beyond Balance" yesterday. Starting it confirmed my suspicions because within two hours the pain on the soles of my feet increased quite a bit. Same story today.  

I feel as if I got hit by a truck. I'm forcing food. I'm too nauseous to eat but can't afford to not eat.  

Thursday evening I got a message from my Dad that his kidney function has dropped to 22%. He's been dealing with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and Prostate Cancer in addition to the kidney stuff. He's in good spirits. I'd like to find a way to get out there so I can see him. Unfortunately funds are extremely limited (as in anything extra comes out of my food budget).

For some reason that and one other thing that happened sort of jarred me into "waking up".  

For awhile now I've felt like I've been chasing friendships, trying to expand my social network and find a few close friends who are curious about life, like to dive in deep waters (not literally), and who can hang with someone like me.  But the friends (with a couple exceptions) I've been seeking out haven't reciprocated which is okay.  I don't blame them considering how I've presented myself.

It's clear to me now though that I've been looking in the wrong places. If I don't feel met in a certain way its time for me to move on.

More importantly its time for me to reclaim the parts of me that I abandoned when I got sick. It's also important for me to stop thinking of myself as deeply flawed because I have a chronic illness.  I do think all the events of the past few years have brought me to my knees and stripped me bare in a way.

It's time for me to rebuild myself and to work through the traumas that have occurred. So much has happened that needs processing.  

At heart I'm a Jungian. It's where I draw my sense of spirituality, strength, and joy from. I love studying/reading about anything Jungian. I see the world through a poetic lens that is tinged with a hint of melancholy. I'm no longer going to apologize for that sense of poetic melancholy. It's born out of all the loss. The poetry of David Whyte, Rainer Maria Rilke, Rumi, and Jung (he was a poet too) all have that same poetic sense.

Jung said many profound things -- this to me is one of the most important, and can be at the basis of art and healing..

"To the extent that I managed to translate the emotions into images– that is to say, to find the images which were concealed in the emotions– I was inwardly calmed and reassured." 

In context: 

"I was living in a constant state of tension; often I felt as if gigantic blocks of stone were tumbling down on me. . my enduring these storms was a question of brute strength… To the extent that I managed to translate the emotions into images– that is to say, to find the images which were concealed in the emotions– I was inwardly calmed and reassured. Had I left those images hidden in the emotions, I might have been torn to pieces by them. There is a chance that I might have succeeded in splitting them off; but in that case I would inexorably have fallen into a neurosis and so been ultimately destroyed by them. As a result of my experiment I learned how helpful it can be, from the therapeutic point of view, to find the particular images which lie behind the emotions.” p. 177-179
(Image is from the Red Book)

There was a time in Jung's life where he went through a crises (as did Freud). He used imagery, mandala's, active imagination, and dream work to move through his crises and transform the his experience from one of crises to feeling centered. It refocused his work and he went on to write some of his most profound work after that.

I find images healing. Especially now that I'm sick and often have word finding problems or forget altogether what I was saying.

I love this quote from Rilke:
“You must give birth to your images. They are the future waiting to be born. Fear not the strangeness you feel. The future must enter you long before it happens. Just wait for the birth, for the the hour of the new clarity.”
I've decided to live from that mythopoetic place again and go back to studying something that brings me joy, expands my way of thinking, and provides a way of healing.

I used to live from that place before getting sick. It's one of the things I abandoned because I've spent the past 6 plus years focusing mostly on researching this illness and trying to improve my functioning and quality of life.

I'll be withdrawing from online groups having to do with this illness (and where I feel at best a pest). I've starting arranging my Facebook page to reflect my commitment to living from what is most important to me. I'm going to narrow down the friend list.

I'm seeking people out who are in that world. I used to know a lot of people. My peers are all publishing. It's time for me to take up that call.  After I passed my dissertation defense my advisor gave me a hug and whispered in my ear "You have a responsibility to write and publish".  He's not one who is generous with praise. He's a tad arrogant but brilliant and is a world renowned scholar in this specialty.  So his whispering has echoed in my head ever since.

What I didn't know at the time was that I was already sick. Five months later I became housebound and spent the next six years chasing improvements.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life solely focused on improving my functioning. I no longer have the money for it. Plus it has felt empty to me for awhile.  

I have three blogs. One I started just prior to the break up and is still too painful to go back to so I'm going to delete it. 

My Jung blog is going to be listed first so that's the blog that will be seen. 

I'll still blog here occasionally but my focus on chasing improvements is now second to my focus on inner healing-on healing my Pyche and Soul as well as turning towards what feeds me rather than depletes.


Lee Lee said...

I totally agree with your thinking. At some point you have to stop thinking of yourself as sick and as unable to achieve or have anything of value to offer and just find ways to move on. Let go of the person you were with all the capabilities you once had and just examine what is left and find ways to get the best from the person you are now. In regards to finding friends, sadly it is really hard when 'normal' people see you as different, but as you said maybe you have been looking in the wrong places. So much is habitual and when something come along that changes your life you have to also let go of old habits if you are to survive.
For me it's the second time around. Had to reinvent myself when my partner died and again when I became ill ... it's a slow and lonely process but in the end you do it and things can be good again :)
You are a genius in many ways, I'm sure you will figure it out. Much love to you. xoxo

me/cfs warrior said...

Thank you Lee Lee. Many, many times I wish we lived closer. I value you very much my friend. Much love back, xoxo