Monday, September 30, 2013
The Last Straw?
I'm tired of this. Fighting with doctor's over medical bills, the sense of aloneness, and difficulty making friends due to this illness. Trying to convince doctor's that I'm not exaggerating or malingering, having to explain why I can't join social events. Being poor. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of doing everything alone. Having to drive myself back home from a painful medical procedure while in severe pain, going to appointments by myself hoping I'll be able to remember what was said. The struggle for sleep, the struggle to gain muscle, the inability to dive into my research like I used to.
I can't even go out to explore because I can't friggin drive far. Not that I could right now anyway due to the back pain but when I look at all the activities I could get discounts on through groupon I want to cry. I don't mind doing things by myself at all but I sure would like somebody to do things with. I can't drive but I can, or I used to be, fun and easy to be around.
Everyday I ask the Universe to have mercy on me and just let up already.
I've been giving it until my birthday to see if anything shifts or eases. My birthday is Sunday. I'm now carefully weighing my options.
There's a line in a popular song by Rihanna called "Stay". It catches my attention each time I hear it. It goes: "this isn't much of a life you're living". So true. Not much of a life. Not much hope left, if any.
Yesterday I woke up and was in such severe pain I could not get out of bed. My back, which has a herniated disc at the same level (L5-S1) as before (when I had surgery), was hurting so bad I wanted to go to the ER. I could not walk downstairs for the next 4 hours the pain was so bad. I've been taking massive doses of Advil, Vicoden, and Soma in spite of the risk of a stomach bleed due to NSAIDS and gastritis. I'm icing as much as I can. I only use pain meds as a last resort.
I'm taking all these meds just so I can walk around my bedroom! It's not to go out and do something but just to be able to bend over and feed my cat or clean his litter box.
This isn't a life at all.
Because I have Medicare I can't get in to see the neurosurgeon until November 27th. WTF am I supposed to do until then?
The pain I'm in feels like the last straw. I've never felt this sort of pain before. It's just a tad better today. A tad. Not enough to go downstairs yet. I may need to take a Vicoden on top of the large dose of Advil I took an hour ago.
I know that to ease pain I need at least a lumbar epidural. If that doesn't work the next step is either going to a stronger pain medication or fusion. I can't afford the epidural or surgery. Pain meds not only slow my already slow gut motility but they exacerbate the gastritis. I can't afford more slowed gut motility especially right now as my body recovers from the medical procedure I had last week.
I'm too tired to deal with this level of pain. I'm dealing with way too much stuff alone. I'm at the tipping point. I'm fed up with all of this.
Posted by me/cfs warrior at 12:33 PM