Sunday, October 6, 2013


Hardly slept again last night making it the sixth? Fifth? night of very little sleep. My nervous system is so amped I can't calm it down. It was a very, very difficult dark night. But-I made it. I discovered some things. One of them is how so very difficult it is for me to reach out and ask for help.

For some reason its easier to talk about some of the harder things on this blog than it is in "person". I reached a point last night where if I didn't ask for help the ending wouldn't be good. So I did. I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked some people for help in the middle of the night. It felt frightening to be that vulnerable but so important.

I'm not feeling in any way articulate. I know it will take some time to heal from this and it will be bumpy. But I feel that old sense of determination kicking in. I'm not letting this illness win. It's like the worst has happened and last night I got to experience the whole range of feelings about all that has occurred these past few years. When morning arrived and I could hear the birds start to chirp I thought to myself "I survived. I did it."  I was present for a whole range of difficult feelings and I'm here, still.

Now that my entire life has been torn down and ripped apart by this illness and the fallout that ensued after getting sick, its time to rebuild bringing forward parts of myself I want to keep and letting "die" the parts of me that no longer work.

I love music and this song by Tori Amos speaks to me's called Gold Dust. Sort of a different way of saying what I was trying to express in my other blog yesterday.


  1. Sometimes the right thing to do is to just let yourself feel the feelings you have. It can feel very dangerous when so vulnerable but so can denying your feelings and hiding from the pain. Just letting yourself feel it can allow you to move past it.
    Well done you on not just surviving, but on taking a massive step personally in reaching out for help and finding a thread to hold to get you through this most difficult of times.
    Rachel G x

  2. I hope you get a decent night soon, I know how hard it can be getting to sleep with this illness, infact I think I spend more time awake during the night than I do in the day. I can also relate to finding it hard asking for help. I don't have a problem with it now but for a long time it was very difficult.

    Sending you lots of hugs and wishes