For some reason its easier to talk about some of the harder things on this blog than it is in "person". I reached a point last night where if I didn't ask for help the ending wouldn't be good. So I did. I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked some people for help in the middle of the night. It felt frightening to be that vulnerable but so important.
I'm not feeling in any way articulate. I know it will take some time to heal from this and it will be bumpy. But I feel that old sense of determination kicking in. I'm not letting this illness win. It's like the worst has happened and last night I got to experience the whole range of feelings about all that has occurred these past few years. When morning arrived and I could hear the birds start to chirp I thought to myself "I survived. I did it." I was present for a whole range of difficult feelings and I'm here, still.
Now that my entire life has been torn down and ripped apart by this illness and the fallout that ensued after getting sick, its time to rebuild bringing forward parts of myself I want to keep and letting "die" the parts of me that no longer work.
I love music and this song by Tori Amos speaks to me today...it's called Gold Dust. Sort of a different way of saying what I was trying to express in my other blog yesterday.