When one has been housebound and isolated for a few years and having spent the past 2 Thanksgivings alone (I think), I was surprised when someone invited me over for Thanksgiving this year. I don't know if my mouth literally or figuratively dropped open but I remember having to remind myself to close it (or keep it closed). It felt like a brand new experience to be invited somewhere for a Holiday.
I haven't been good at checking various emails lately so last week I checked the one I used to use professionally (and have started to again). I was shocked to see an invitation to submit a proposal for a poster paper/presentation at the graduate school where I got my Ph.D. They are hosting a conference in mid-May called Imagination and Medicine: Soul in Body and Nature. I'm sure many people have been asked. I have to submit a sample by mid-January. If I'm one of the people selected I would get to attend the conference for free. I would absolutely love that!
Two significant (for me) invitations in one week!
Which brings me to Hummingbirds-these strong, fragile, and fascinating birds whose symbol is the connection between this realm and that of the Divine. Anyone who has read this blog for awhile knows I have a special connection with hummingbirds.
Yesterday a hummingbird was sitting on my feeder just outside my window. She was puffed up (birds puff themselves up when cold) but looked as if she were breathing rapidly. I got out my camera and took a some pictures. Neither the camera nor my presence bothered her in any way. She was still sitting there after I took a shower so I became concerned as its rare for a hummingbird to sit at a feeder for so long. I got on the computer and googled "hummingbirds sitting at feeder for a long time". What came up was that it could be a sign the hummingbird was sick.
She continued sitting there while I looked up local Wildlife rescue organizations. The only one in the area was too far for me to drive (12 miles away). When I contacted them I discovered they have no way of sending anyone to rescue the hummingbird. So I sat and found myself crying (lots of emotions these days so it doesn't take much). I wondered why I would have to watch such a sacred creature (especially to me) seemingly die right next to my bedroom window. I got up to see if there were any visible signs of injury or fungal infection or the bird virus (whose name escapes me at the moment). There were none. All the info on google stated the hummingbird would likely die within the next 12 hours if no assistance was given.
I paced and waited and kept trying to find someone who could come help her or at least drive us to the Wildlife sanctuary which was open until 6. After about 90 minutes, with my face pressed to the window, she started drinking from the feeder. She drank some more. I went into the other room for a minute and when I came out she was gone. I went downstairs in case she'd fallen off the feeder but thankfully found no trace. Just the chickens busily pigging out on bird food.
Today I went to a meeting then talked to someone for about 2 hours afterwards. When I got back it occurred to me that I hadn't seen her or heard her (the hummingbird) all day when suddenly she appeared at the feeder again. It was as if she arrived out of nowhere (usually I can hear the whirring sound they make) I recognized her because she was still puffed up. She sat on the feeder for about 10 minutes. Another hummingbird came by and drank. After about 10 minutes I watched her fly away.
Why spend time writing about this? I don't even know. I think its a sign of something but I can't figure it out yet. The night before last I kept having dreams of finding very ill (near death) babies and woke up feeling unsettled. Maybe the inner and outer event are connected somehow which can happen with synchronicity but synchronistic events are usually linked by and with death (whether it be physical or psychological). Sometimes it can take awhile before the meaning reveals itself so I'll wait and see.
And then there is the issue of physical pain that I've been experiencing. It started Friday night after going to a meeting and talking to some people. I turned down two dinner invitations because I had a feeling I was in for some back pain after defrosting my mini fridge all day Friday (I'd let the ice build up too much so was on my knees bending over cleaning up water a lot).
When I got home I had brief episodes of the worst back pain I'd ever experienced. So bad that in spite of myself (my housemate was home) I found myself crying out in pain and being unable to move. In between pain episodes I googled the type of pain I was experiencing and I think I was having severe muscle spasms which is one way an injured part of the back (my herniated disc) attempts to protect a back injury. I spent the rest of the evening on a heating pad and took Advil which didn't help, took a Vicoden which didn't help, and then took Soma (muscle relaxant) which did help some.
Yesterday I noticed I'm having pain in all my connective tissue where it even hurts to straighten my arms. I'm also having tingling along my upper back along the bra line. Strange. Today the pain was worse but with the added addition of muscle pain. I have no idea what's going on. Is it a herx? Or because of the NA EDTA? Or just simply a new M.E. symptom? Or was it the Mastic Gum/DGL I started taking Friday for the stomach pain? I'm out of Mimosa Pudica-could it be that? Who knows? It's always a guessing game with this disease.
I'm also feeing fluish so decided to forgo a meeting tonight in favor of a heating pad and bed rest.
My M.E. doctor is out of town but I will be seeing the neurologist for my back on Weds. I plan on bringing these issues up with him. Hopefully he can help. I also plan on bringing up the results of the pulmonary function test and see if he can help me get in to see an ENT.
A strange post I know but life can be strange with this disease all that has occurred these past years....