Monday, July 7, 2014

Keep Going?

I've been aware for awhile now that there is a part of me that has wanted to avoid this blog because having regained some functioning I haven't wanted any reminders of how bad things can get. And this blog is a reminder for me of how bad things once were physically and then after the break up how bad things have been emotionally.

Lately I've been experiencing how bad things can be financially. They are beyond bad right now. I'm so close to homelessness at this point.

And then there is the re-experiencing of very, very bad fatigue.  As in I can't even make a phone call today bad. I've been on a downhill slide for over a month in part due to stress about my car and other things. Physically I'm not doing well at all anymore.

Whenever I start having an increase in symptoms I review the past few weeks or months to note any changes of activity levels, toxins, change of diet, new treatments, supplements, etc....

I've been out of Imunovir because something is going on at the manufacturer and there isn't any to be found. I've been out for over 2 months.

I've had repeated exposure to toxic car exhaust although I "retired" my car about 3 weeks ago.

There was a pesticide spraying for 2 nights last week. The pesticide was because there has been increased West Nile virus found in birds and mosquitos in the area.  It's called "Trumpet" but is, among other things, an organophosphate. I don't do well with organophospates.

There is also quite a bit of smoke residue from a couple fires.

I had a crown fall out Thursday afternoon about 4:50. Luckily it was on a previously root-canaled tooth so I didn't experience any pain. I did have quite a bit of bleeding when I brushed that night so I knew the gum was inflamed.

I saw the dentist today who said I it appeared as if there was leakage into the root canal leading to an infection in the tips of two roots as well as the bone. He said I have two choices. Another root canal or have it extracted and then said if it were him he would recommend having the tooth pulled.

He wasn't making any money off me because he said he'd refer me to an oral surgeon for the extraction. I asked if the infection would progress and he said yes and that it needed to be taken care of.

I'm so bummed about the money part as well as concerned about the impact of having an invasive dental procedure. I have MCS and dentists offices bother me. Today I had to pull my shirt over my nose and mouth because of some chemical.

Anyway, the money part frightens me. I ended up getting an 18 year old used car. It's a van. It needs new tires and front brakes. I paid a lot more than I could afford but had no choice given my financial restrictions. I had hoped that I could spend the minimal on food and go to food banks and hopefully qualify for food stamps which would mean I could repay my savings account.

Now I'm looking at over $2000 worth of dental work ($5000 if I have an implant).  Plus I have some medical bills.

It's freakin discouraging. My food budget is so low that I can't even afford orange juice or anything. I just buy the basics. My big luxury item is a tin of Peet's tea and every now and occasional Trader Joe's Vintage cola.

I applied for food stamps and had a phone interview. I qualify for $15!!!!!  But that's contingent upon sending in the medical bills. I said "but I have a student loan payment for $300 each month" to which she said "we only count rent, medical bills, and utilities".  Oh, so I just don't pay any other bills then. It's crazy but given the bad economy I guess those Republicans have to blame someone so might as well be the poor people who wouldn't be poor if they just tried hard enough.  Might as well cut back those expenses instead of unnecessary things like tax loopholes.

I'm at my wit's end and have been waking up so depressed every morning it's just not fun. If this is how the rest of my life is going to be, then no thanks.

I haven't been able to socialize in weeks. One of my housemates has a personality disorder and randomly decides to stop talking to me (he does this to his partner to so its not personal--just incredibly uncomfortable). I've tried talking to him about what's bothering him with no result. I feel stuck here. Right now I'm hating living here. Living with people who don't want you there is awful. I did it for awhile after the break up and told myself I'd rather be homeless than repeat that experience.

Things feel grim and pointless and hopeless.  I'm trying my hardest and doing my damnedness to make a good life but it's just not happening.

I so wish I could afford to live on my own. I may end up living in the van so I plan on taking the seats out and converting it so I can sleep in it.  Things are that grim.  I've been doing a lot of reading about life after death experiences. For some reason that keeps me going. Knowing at some point things will get better.

Just likely not in this lifetime.


Cusp said...

Heh my dear. So sorry that you are in such a rough spot again :(

I hope you know that, despite all that, people are here to support and listen to you.

Thinking of you x

Sue R Spoonies said...

So sorry things are so tough all round. Wish there was some more practical help I could give but just wanted to pop up to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping something changes for the better really soon. xx

Jo said...

It sounds like you are up against it. It won't be any consolation to you, but we have the same "blame the poor and disabled" culture over here in the UK. Of course this financial stress will impact your health, not to mention the dental infection.

Sending you spoons and vibes.


Sam Sharman-Dunn said...

Oh Terri, I am so sorry that things are so bad for you at the moment :( We are all thinking of you here at Spoonies. I just wanted to mention about the tooth extraction - I had repeated infections under my root canal tooth and ended up having it pulled. The procedure itself took me a couple of weeks to get over, but since then my health has been much better (even with added stress). I think I had been dealing with underlying tooth infection for quite some time without realising it, which was exacerbating my other symptoms. If you can have it done for free, it might just be worth doing if you have the energy to deal with it? Big hugs and spoons. xxxxx

me/cfs warrior said...

Thanks for thinking of me fellow spoonies. I appreciate you all dropping by and appreciate your comments.

Jo-what is it about blaming the poor and disabled. It's just rampant in the culture here too.

Sam-I'm very dental phobic so the thought of getting a tooth pulled makes me panic but good to know it might help me feel a little better if i get it out. I've been looking for a free clinic that I qualify for but so far have come up empty.